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[ Living together with TRIGGER wasn't something he thought he would ever do, and if asked this time last year, he would have said that it was impossible. But, the way things have aligned were impossibly less than perfect, and here they are -- A month or so into living together in the same house. There have been spats, of course, but -- ... He wishes he could say that it was as impossible as he thought it would be. It's warm, here. Interactions when waking up and going to sleep and eating and coming home are less stilted. It's almost as if he can take his mask off when behind closed doors -- Not just the one of the perfect Modern-day Angel, but the sharp and cold and uncaring one covering up everything he's pushed down.

It's a saturday that they don't have anything lined up for work. Kaoru won't let him go out and do anything, tells him he needs time to himself to unwind, less he wants to end up in the hospital again. This has him idly straightening things up around the house, making stir-crazy circles in absence of anything else to do. Gaku's left a jacket in the living room, and after making a snide comment about his organizational skills to nobody but himself, he opts to bringing it back to his room for him.

Like a proper older sibling, he knocks and immediately lets himself in, with little respect for what the man inside could be doing. ]

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[ of course he's happy that gaku has work, again. TRIGGER's lack of exposure after being dropped from their label is something that seriously depresses tenn, not that he'd let that show or mention it. ...not that he'd need to, because his unitmates absolutely can already tell, and that's frustrating. ...not... as frustrating as not being able to go out and give himself to his fans, but -- that's something he's tried to carefully pack away over the last months.

something he hasn't been able to pack away at all, no matter how hard he's tried, are all the overflowing and spilling thoughts and emotions and needs that have bubbled to the surface ever since he was ... with gaku. he didn't realize just how starving he was until he tasted him (i know this is a song lyric please don't call attention to it i'm embarrassed and can't work around using it) and nothing that he can do has been able to ebb away at that hunger.

...not just a lustful hunger, either. he craves that sweet affection from after, too -- things like the gentle peck of a kiss he was given in the ice cream shop. he just--- wants love and every single time his mind drifts to that he has to distract himself and put it somewhere else because holy shit is that ever something he's been trained into thinking he can't have. he's already guilty enough at sullying his body and wanting more-- ... it's a good thing that he lives away from kujou-san, now. he doesn't want to think of what he would say, if he knew how tenn had been feeling and what he'd been doing.

he isn't actually alseep, when gaku comes home. he hasn't done enough, today, to put him to sleep. while gaku has been busy, tenn hasn't received any work, leaving him an anxious and antsy mess that can't shut his brain off and stays up until late into the night. when he hears the door shut, he tries to tell himself he shouldn't get up, but -- he does. he pads out to the kitchen, standing in silence for way too long, waiting to see if Gaku will say anything to him. ]

[since he's not a psychic or anything, Jesus Christ Tenn, Gaku actually doesn't notice him immediately. he's busy with digging out the portions Ryuu's left carefully packed away in the refrigerator for him, and it's only when he turns to microwave that he notices Tenn standing there, staring at him.]

—you're still up? [he made sure not to make any noise, so he doubts the sound of him walking was loud enough to wake him. along with his almost anticipatory expression, Gaku's more inclined to believe that he was more likely waiting up for him— and maybe that's a bit presumptuous, but the way Tenn's looking at him makes him think that might not be too far off the mark.]

Can't sleep.

[ There's no reason to go into what's plaguing him, to tell Gaku about how defeated he is that he's not doing anything, because not only does that sound like a lot of emotions, he's sure that Gaku already knows how he feels (and Tenn hates that.)

He finally moves in closer, not just standing strangely in the middle of the hall. ]

...

How was shooting?

[Tenn's distress at his lack of work has been obvious to Gaku and Ryuu. while they're both still marketable by sheer amount of sexual appeal alone, Tenn is TRIGGER. his image is so closely tied to that of their unit that any company hiring him is all but implicitly giving the disgraced idols a leg back up in the industry. it's understandable, but knowing the reason doesn't make Gaku any less angry when he thinks about it.]

We went into overtime because of sound issues. Tomorrow I've only got one scene to do, so I should be off earlier. [you know, if Tenn wanted to do something. he knows he must get lonely being stuck in the apartment so often, compared to how much time they used to all spend together.]

[ Of course he wants to do something, but he doesn't want to ask. That, once again, feels like a whole lot of emotions. Tenn has been crabby that Gaku has made him feel so much, that he hasn't been able to completely put his walls back up after they were so thoroughly wrenched down.

So, instead, he just makes a face that he doesn't entirely realize he's making. ]

Good. Being up this late is going to give you eye bags.

That's what eye cream is for. You don't need to fuss over me, Tenn.

[that expression is basically asking to be teased, and Gaku's not very good at denying himself. he smiles easily at Tenn, soft and indulgent, before turning to start heating up his dinner.]

Whatever.

[ he moves into the kitchen to!

...sit down at the table. he's not eating, he'd never eat this late at night are you kidding me, he's just. being around gaku. he guesses. ]

[very subtle Tenn, Gaku can't tell that you're acting like a malfunctioning robot because of too many feelings at all.

he brings his plate over to the table after the the microwave goes off, taking the seat next to Tenn and ... starting to eat, silently, waiting for to make the next move.]

[ Not happening.

He has no idea whatsoever how to ask for attention when he wants it.

So, he doesn't. ]

[this is getting slightly ridiculous, and Gaku is tired, and he only has the vaguest idea of what Tenn wants.]

I'm not going to get angry if you want to ask me something. You know that, right?

I don't want to ask you anything.

[ That much is true, at least. Partially. He doesn't have a question for Gaku, per se. He wants affection but even thinking about asking for that makes him feel like his spine is going to crawl out of his mouth. He can't even begin to think about how he'd feel if he wanted to ask for sex because while he has had a light buzz of desire around him, he's tried to pack that away.

Unfortunately, it doesn't fit back in it's box very well. ]

Fine.

[he gives a slight shrug of his shoulders as he stands up, carrying his empty plate over to the sink, turning on the faucet as he starts to clean the dish off.]

I'm going to watch some TV in my room before I go to bed. [it seems almost like he's talking to himself, after the long pause of silence, but he says it clearly enough for Tenn to hear.]

[ He doesn't get up when Gaku does, watching him walk to the sink- watching him start to walk towards the hall.

He opens his mouth to speak - ]

[ - but nothing comes out because he's too embarrassed. but, he's still in the stage of actually wanting something and it's hard to parse and even harder to go for it. So, he tries again - ]

I--

[ Except his voice dies in his throat and now he's aware of the fact that he's blushing and sort of just wants to climb down the garbage disposal over the fact that he can't escape, now -- ]

...

I'll go with you.

[god you're so fucking stupid benjamin

it's hard for Gaku to even imagine what roadblocks must be in Tenn's mind to stop him from being able to communicate even his simplest needs— he has a good idea of how it happened, after running into Kujo now, of course, it just doesn't make the topic any easier for Gaku to seriously contemplate.

his room in the apartment isn't quite as cushy as his sick teenage rebellion basement pad at his dad's house, so the TV is in front of his bed rather than a set of black leather couches.

Gaku flops down onto his bed without any further explanation, reaching for the remote to turn his flat screen on and then lower the volume way down. sorry, Tenn, you're going to have to crawl onto his bed all by yourself with no big aggressive seme to physically put you there this time.]

[ child grooming causes a lot, and it's a lot that tenn both realizes and doesn't realize has fucked him up, but -- that's not something he's probably ever going to unpack, even if gaku has gone up to him and expressed that he has no intent on giving him back to kujou-san.

tenn doesn't want to be thrown into the bed, anyway, because he doesn't want this to be like that. he does, however, stand a little gormless at gaku's bedside for a few beats too long before. crawling in and. snu..gling.... up to his sid.....e ..... ? ... ? ]

[that's apparently the right choice, because as soon as Tenn gets within range Gaku's reaching an arm out to circle his waist, pulling him flush to his side, trying not to look too bemused at Tenn's expense.]

[ He -- All but shorts out, with that. He doesn't know what to do and just ends up opening his mouth to speak, again - with nothing coming out and his face beet red. ]

[look he had totally intended to keep this G rated but if Tenn's going to keep responding to everything he does like a surprised and fussy kitten there's only so much Gaku can do to stop himself.

he leans in to catch Tenn's lips with his own, not hungry or demanding, just there— sweet and short, the kind of kiss their younger fans probably fantasize about in spare time. Gaku pulls back afterward like nothing out of the ordinary happened, flicking through channels until he gets to some cooking show.]

[ ---That was the kind of kiss that he wanted, now. Nothing hungry, nothing forceful, nothing ... too much. Just affection, just ... this.

...It's probably wrong. No, it's definitely wrong to want this. If his fans found out -- ... He doesn't want to think about that, and even thinking about thinking about that ties his stomach in knots and makes him want to curl up and die. His fans still believing is all he has, now. If he can't give himself entirely to them ---

... This is such a bad, bad thought spiral to go down, while cuddling and kissing chastely. ]

[unlike Somebody Gaku's only got garden variety divorce trauma, so he has no idea what miniature breakdown Tenn's currently having at the prospect of enjoying himself in any way.

and look, they're using a pasta maker, which makes it hard for him to concentrate on reading any micro-expressions on Tenn's face that give away his dumb feelings.]

[ Kujou Tenn is almost physically incapable of ever asking for anything even faintly resembling help. If there's ever an issue, he either tamps down earth over it until he knows that it's suffocated and dead, or he deals with it swiftly and ruthlessly when everything bubbles up through the dirt.

This has become something much more akin to the later situation.

His 'microexpressions' have graduated to full on sadness -- guilt, anxiety. His hands curl into the side of Gaku's shirt hard -- before he swallows, letting go and pushing away. ]

This is wrong.

[the movement is what tips him off, glancing over to see Tenn looking genuinely upset, the expression alone enough to incite a sense of panic in Gaku. he reaches out immediately, grabbing Tenn's arm before he can get too far away.]

What, Tenn— what are you talking about?

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hold onto your ass it's about to get 2008 in here

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thats it

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