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[ Living together with TRIGGER wasn't something he thought he would ever do, and if asked this time last year, he would have said that it was impossible. But, the way things have aligned were impossibly less than perfect, and here they are -- A month or so into living together in the same house. There have been spats, of course, but -- ... He wishes he could say that it was as impossible as he thought it would be. It's warm, here. Interactions when waking up and going to sleep and eating and coming home are less stilted. It's almost as if he can take his mask off when behind closed doors -- Not just the one of the perfect Modern-day Angel, but the sharp and cold and uncaring one covering up everything he's pushed down.

It's a saturday that they don't have anything lined up for work. Kaoru won't let him go out and do anything, tells him he needs time to himself to unwind, less he wants to end up in the hospital again. This has him idly straightening things up around the house, making stir-crazy circles in absence of anything else to do. Gaku's left a jacket in the living room, and after making a snide comment about his organizational skills to nobody but himself, he opts to bringing it back to his room for him.

Like a proper older sibling, he knocks and immediately lets himself in, with little respect for what the man inside could be doing. ]

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[this is getting slightly ridiculous, and Gaku is tired, and he only has the vaguest idea of what Tenn wants.]

I'm not going to get angry if you want to ask me something. You know that, right?

I don't want to ask you anything.

[ That much is true, at least. Partially. He doesn't have a question for Gaku, per se. He wants affection but even thinking about asking for that makes him feel like his spine is going to crawl out of his mouth. He can't even begin to think about how he'd feel if he wanted to ask for sex because while he has had a light buzz of desire around him, he's tried to pack that away.

Unfortunately, it doesn't fit back in it's box very well. ]

Fine.

[he gives a slight shrug of his shoulders as he stands up, carrying his empty plate over to the sink, turning on the faucet as he starts to clean the dish off.]

I'm going to watch some TV in my room before I go to bed. [it seems almost like he's talking to himself, after the long pause of silence, but he says it clearly enough for Tenn to hear.]

[ He doesn't get up when Gaku does, watching him walk to the sink- watching him start to walk towards the hall.

He opens his mouth to speak - ]

[ - but nothing comes out because he's too embarrassed. but, he's still in the stage of actually wanting something and it's hard to parse and even harder to go for it. So, he tries again - ]

I--

[ Except his voice dies in his throat and now he's aware of the fact that he's blushing and sort of just wants to climb down the garbage disposal over the fact that he can't escape, now -- ]

...

I'll go with you.

[god you're so fucking stupid benjamin

it's hard for Gaku to even imagine what roadblocks must be in Tenn's mind to stop him from being able to communicate even his simplest needs— he has a good idea of how it happened, after running into Kujo now, of course, it just doesn't make the topic any easier for Gaku to seriously contemplate.

his room in the apartment isn't quite as cushy as his sick teenage rebellion basement pad at his dad's house, so the TV is in front of his bed rather than a set of black leather couches.

Gaku flops down onto his bed without any further explanation, reaching for the remote to turn his flat screen on and then lower the volume way down. sorry, Tenn, you're going to have to crawl onto his bed all by yourself with no big aggressive seme to physically put you there this time.]

[ child grooming causes a lot, and it's a lot that tenn both realizes and doesn't realize has fucked him up, but -- that's not something he's probably ever going to unpack, even if gaku has gone up to him and expressed that he has no intent on giving him back to kujou-san.

tenn doesn't want to be thrown into the bed, anyway, because he doesn't want this to be like that. he does, however, stand a little gormless at gaku's bedside for a few beats too long before. crawling in and. snu..gling.... up to his sid.....e ..... ? ... ? ]

[that's apparently the right choice, because as soon as Tenn gets within range Gaku's reaching an arm out to circle his waist, pulling him flush to his side, trying not to look too bemused at Tenn's expense.]

[ He -- All but shorts out, with that. He doesn't know what to do and just ends up opening his mouth to speak, again - with nothing coming out and his face beet red. ]

[look he had totally intended to keep this G rated but if Tenn's going to keep responding to everything he does like a surprised and fussy kitten there's only so much Gaku can do to stop himself.

he leans in to catch Tenn's lips with his own, not hungry or demanding, just there— sweet and short, the kind of kiss their younger fans probably fantasize about in spare time. Gaku pulls back afterward like nothing out of the ordinary happened, flicking through channels until he gets to some cooking show.]

[ ---That was the kind of kiss that he wanted, now. Nothing hungry, nothing forceful, nothing ... too much. Just affection, just ... this.

...It's probably wrong. No, it's definitely wrong to want this. If his fans found out -- ... He doesn't want to think about that, and even thinking about thinking about that ties his stomach in knots and makes him want to curl up and die. His fans still believing is all he has, now. If he can't give himself entirely to them ---

... This is such a bad, bad thought spiral to go down, while cuddling and kissing chastely. ]

[unlike Somebody Gaku's only got garden variety divorce trauma, so he has no idea what miniature breakdown Tenn's currently having at the prospect of enjoying himself in any way.

and look, they're using a pasta maker, which makes it hard for him to concentrate on reading any micro-expressions on Tenn's face that give away his dumb feelings.]

[ Kujou Tenn is almost physically incapable of ever asking for anything even faintly resembling help. If there's ever an issue, he either tamps down earth over it until he knows that it's suffocated and dead, or he deals with it swiftly and ruthlessly when everything bubbles up through the dirt.

This has become something much more akin to the later situation.

His 'microexpressions' have graduated to full on sadness -- guilt, anxiety. His hands curl into the side of Gaku's shirt hard -- before he swallows, letting go and pushing away. ]

This is wrong.

[the movement is what tips him off, glancing over to see Tenn looking genuinely upset, the expression alone enough to incite a sense of panic in Gaku. he reaches out immediately, grabbing Tenn's arm before he can get too far away.]

What, Tenn— what are you talking about?

[ Gaku grasping at his arm almost burns - it makes his throat tighten and something in his chest hitch and he can't look back at him as he speaks, as all of the doubts and all of the guilt that he's had over what they've been doing spill over and he panics in trying to smash them back down. ]

This. We're idols, Gaku -- Not only that, but disgraced, fallen idols that only have their fans left. We're supposed to give our everything to them, but instead ...

...

Instead, we're just selfishly feeding our own desires. We live lives where our needs and wants can't be our own -- We can't do this.

[Gaku stares wide-eyed as he process his words, still holding onto his arm. when what Tenn's saying, what rhetoric he's preaching finally settles in, Gaku can't help blurting out—]

—Tenn, what the fuck.

[oh, he'd suspected that TRIGGER's center bought into the whole idol purity philosophy for a long time. it fell right in line with his whole thing of living only for the happiness of others, along with some other hints he'd dropped over the years. Gaku and Ryuu would exchange some awkward looks whenever this happened, but stay quiet— Gaku realizes now what a mistake that was.]

Our fans want us to do our best for them, not punish ourselves for behaving like humans. We're supposed to work hard, not suffer for it— do you think any of them would be happy to know they're making you this upset?

Edited 2018-05-06 20:34 (UTC)

[ He doesn't have a response to that. ...No, probably. They wouldn't be happy if Tenn was upset. Him being upset would make them upset, and so --- ]

...

That just means that I shouldn't be upset about this. I shouldn't ... have gotten attached. If I just went on putting their needs before mine, it wouldn't be an issue.

You shouldn't have gotten attached to who— your unit? You're back to thinking like that?

[he reaches out to grab Tenn by the arm, fully anticipating an attempted escape from this conversation to avoid talking about things Tenn isn't good at, ie feelings.]

You're not even thinking about what you're fans want, you're just regurgitating lines fed to you by that guy. Do you think he knows more about being an idol than you? He's never stood where any of us have, where you have— what does he know about your fans, Tenn?

...No.

Not my unit.

[ He honestly cannot remember the last time that he wanted to throw up this badly. Not only does he want to escape from this conversation, he'd probably go for dying, about now. Talking about feelings was one of his greatest weak points, but ... this? This was a big red button that had been in front of him for too long that he'd been protecting from being pushed for the last six years of his life. ]

...To this. To -- [ his voice dies in his throat. He doesn't want to say this at all. ] ...To you. I like what we're doing too much for it to be safe.

...

Yes, I think Kujou-san, the producer of the most successful Idol in history, knows what he's doing, Gaku. He hasn't stood there, but he's taken someone there. The restrictions he's put in place have precedent.

...

Forget what I said, earlier, too. That was--

[ He's trying to forget that he said something like "to you" while overly emotional like this. He's awful at emotions. ]

[even if it's the way Gaku would prefer to hear it, Tenn's admission is enough. enough for Gaku to tighten his grip on his arm, to swallow some of his anger down and stay calm enough to keep talking to Tenn, to make him listen to what he has to say.]

He thinks he knows what worked for Zero. You're not him, Tenn, your fans don't love you because you're a replacement for someone else. They care about you because of the things you've done, the person you are, just like I do.

You're not that person when you're letting him control you. The only person you're making happy when you do that is him.

[ He's quiet for more than a few beats, almost long enough that it comes off that he may not respond. ]

...

Kujou-san is who made me into the idol that everyone loves. I owe everything to him -- I owe it to him to complete his dream of creating the "perfect idol".

His perfect idol. You know what going down that path means, Tenn. You said you weren't just using TRIGGER for your own gain— is that a lie? Do you still intend on leaving us?

[the 'leaving me' part of that is unstated, but very present]

...

It isn't a lie.

[ He loves TRIGGER. He loves Ryuu. He loves Gaku. He ... realizes that ever since he turned away from Riku, this has been his only semblance of a family, of a home. There's still that intent to become a perfect beacon for everyone's sake, but ...

TRIGGER isn't just a stepping stone. ]

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hold onto your ass it's about to get 2008 in here

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thats it

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