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[ Living together with TRIGGER wasn't something he thought he would ever do, and if asked this time last year, he would have said that it was impossible. But, the way things have aligned were impossibly less than perfect, and here they are -- A month or so into living together in the same house. There have been spats, of course, but -- ... He wishes he could say that it was as impossible as he thought it would be. It's warm, here. Interactions when waking up and going to sleep and eating and coming home are less stilted. It's almost as if he can take his mask off when behind closed doors -- Not just the one of the perfect Modern-day Angel, but the sharp and cold and uncaring one covering up everything he's pushed down.

It's a saturday that they don't have anything lined up for work. Kaoru won't let him go out and do anything, tells him he needs time to himself to unwind, less he wants to end up in the hospital again. This has him idly straightening things up around the house, making stir-crazy circles in absence of anything else to do. Gaku's left a jacket in the living room, and after making a snide comment about his organizational skills to nobody but himself, he opts to bringing it back to his room for him.

Like a proper older sibling, he knocks and immediately lets himself in, with little respect for what the man inside could be doing. ]

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[ He -- All but shorts out, with that. He doesn't know what to do and just ends up opening his mouth to speak, again - with nothing coming out and his face beet red. ]

[look he had totally intended to keep this G rated but if Tenn's going to keep responding to everything he does like a surprised and fussy kitten there's only so much Gaku can do to stop himself.

he leans in to catch Tenn's lips with his own, not hungry or demanding, just there— sweet and short, the kind of kiss their younger fans probably fantasize about in spare time. Gaku pulls back afterward like nothing out of the ordinary happened, flicking through channels until he gets to some cooking show.]

[ ---That was the kind of kiss that he wanted, now. Nothing hungry, nothing forceful, nothing ... too much. Just affection, just ... this.

...It's probably wrong. No, it's definitely wrong to want this. If his fans found out -- ... He doesn't want to think about that, and even thinking about thinking about that ties his stomach in knots and makes him want to curl up and die. His fans still believing is all he has, now. If he can't give himself entirely to them ---

... This is such a bad, bad thought spiral to go down, while cuddling and kissing chastely. ]

[unlike Somebody Gaku's only got garden variety divorce trauma, so he has no idea what miniature breakdown Tenn's currently having at the prospect of enjoying himself in any way.

and look, they're using a pasta maker, which makes it hard for him to concentrate on reading any micro-expressions on Tenn's face that give away his dumb feelings.]

[ Kujou Tenn is almost physically incapable of ever asking for anything even faintly resembling help. If there's ever an issue, he either tamps down earth over it until he knows that it's suffocated and dead, or he deals with it swiftly and ruthlessly when everything bubbles up through the dirt.

This has become something much more akin to the later situation.

His 'microexpressions' have graduated to full on sadness -- guilt, anxiety. His hands curl into the side of Gaku's shirt hard -- before he swallows, letting go and pushing away. ]

This is wrong.

[the movement is what tips him off, glancing over to see Tenn looking genuinely upset, the expression alone enough to incite a sense of panic in Gaku. he reaches out immediately, grabbing Tenn's arm before he can get too far away.]

What, Tenn— what are you talking about?

[ Gaku grasping at his arm almost burns - it makes his throat tighten and something in his chest hitch and he can't look back at him as he speaks, as all of the doubts and all of the guilt that he's had over what they've been doing spill over and he panics in trying to smash them back down. ]

This. We're idols, Gaku -- Not only that, but disgraced, fallen idols that only have their fans left. We're supposed to give our everything to them, but instead ...

...

Instead, we're just selfishly feeding our own desires. We live lives where our needs and wants can't be our own -- We can't do this.

[Gaku stares wide-eyed as he process his words, still holding onto his arm. when what Tenn's saying, what rhetoric he's preaching finally settles in, Gaku can't help blurting out—]

—Tenn, what the fuck.

[oh, he'd suspected that TRIGGER's center bought into the whole idol purity philosophy for a long time. it fell right in line with his whole thing of living only for the happiness of others, along with some other hints he'd dropped over the years. Gaku and Ryuu would exchange some awkward looks whenever this happened, but stay quiet— Gaku realizes now what a mistake that was.]

Our fans want us to do our best for them, not punish ourselves for behaving like humans. We're supposed to work hard, not suffer for it— do you think any of them would be happy to know they're making you this upset?

Edited 2018-05-06 20:34 (UTC)

[ He doesn't have a response to that. ...No, probably. They wouldn't be happy if Tenn was upset. Him being upset would make them upset, and so --- ]

...

That just means that I shouldn't be upset about this. I shouldn't ... have gotten attached. If I just went on putting their needs before mine, it wouldn't be an issue.

You shouldn't have gotten attached to who— your unit? You're back to thinking like that?

[he reaches out to grab Tenn by the arm, fully anticipating an attempted escape from this conversation to avoid talking about things Tenn isn't good at, ie feelings.]

You're not even thinking about what you're fans want, you're just regurgitating lines fed to you by that guy. Do you think he knows more about being an idol than you? He's never stood where any of us have, where you have— what does he know about your fans, Tenn?

...No.

Not my unit.

[ He honestly cannot remember the last time that he wanted to throw up this badly. Not only does he want to escape from this conversation, he'd probably go for dying, about now. Talking about feelings was one of his greatest weak points, but ... this? This was a big red button that had been in front of him for too long that he'd been protecting from being pushed for the last six years of his life. ]

...To this. To -- [ his voice dies in his throat. He doesn't want to say this at all. ] ...To you. I like what we're doing too much for it to be safe.

...

Yes, I think Kujou-san, the producer of the most successful Idol in history, knows what he's doing, Gaku. He hasn't stood there, but he's taken someone there. The restrictions he's put in place have precedent.

...

Forget what I said, earlier, too. That was--

[ He's trying to forget that he said something like "to you" while overly emotional like this. He's awful at emotions. ]

[even if it's the way Gaku would prefer to hear it, Tenn's admission is enough. enough for Gaku to tighten his grip on his arm, to swallow some of his anger down and stay calm enough to keep talking to Tenn, to make him listen to what he has to say.]

He thinks he knows what worked for Zero. You're not him, Tenn, your fans don't love you because you're a replacement for someone else. They care about you because of the things you've done, the person you are, just like I do.

You're not that person when you're letting him control you. The only person you're making happy when you do that is him.

[ He's quiet for more than a few beats, almost long enough that it comes off that he may not respond. ]

...

Kujou-san is who made me into the idol that everyone loves. I owe everything to him -- I owe it to him to complete his dream of creating the "perfect idol".

His perfect idol. You know what going down that path means, Tenn. You said you weren't just using TRIGGER for your own gain— is that a lie? Do you still intend on leaving us?

[the 'leaving me' part of that is unstated, but very present]

...

It isn't a lie.

[ He loves TRIGGER. He loves Ryuu. He loves Gaku. He ... realizes that ever since he turned away from Riku, this has been his only semblance of a family, of a home. There's still that intent to become a perfect beacon for everyone's sake, but ...

TRIGGER isn't just a stepping stone. ]

Then there's no reason for you to change. You say he's the reason people love you. That's not true. You're different when you're with him— if I can tell, so can anyone else.

[Gaku's been really good with using his words through most of this, trying not to steamroll Tenn or lash out because of his own anger to the canned responses he's weakly countering all of Gaku's arguments with. it should really be expected that he can only go so long without letting something Extra slip out.]

I'm not giving you back to him. I know that's not what you really want.

[ He doesn't know how to respond to a statement like that. It's too ... raw, too emotional, too possessive. It sends some kind of shiver up his spine, makes him only able to gape and stare like some sort of idiot. ]

[he loosens his grip on Tenn's arm after a moment of hesitation, pulling away and giving him ample space to turn and run, should that be his choice.]

You're capable of making your own choices, Tenn. What do you really want?

[ He almost wants to. There's a large part of himself that's saying to turn and run away and never address this again because of the guilt in his selfishness. But ...

... But, Gaku's words aren't completely lost on him. He, obviously, cannot undo six years of conditioning, but ... this is the first time that he's had someone else argue for him, the first time in all of this that he's been told that it's okay to want.

When he moves forward, he pushes down those feelings of guilt and selfishness just the same as he would push down any feelings of need and desire, before -- grasping Gaku's face and pressing their lips together. ]

[Gaku had actually been expecting Tenn to leave— he would've been angry and frustrated, but he knows Tenn's not the one at fault. he was prepared for a few awkward days before eventually broaching the subject again when he had time in his schedule, combing over this conversation again when Tenn was less upset at the very idea of possibly betraying his beloved fans in any way.

of course, kissing is good too. Gaku will settle for the kissing right now instead of later, and reaches out automatically to cup the back of Tenn's head, supportive but not immediately trying to draw him back in, allowing Tenn to set the pace and show Gaku just what he wants at this moment.]

[ It's hard, because wanting is hard. Every single second, he's screaming at himself on the inside. He shouldn't be doing this. He should be doing this. He doesn't know what he wants but he wants to want and thinking about this hurts both mentally and emotionally so he's just --- not, he's not thinking about it and he's pushing down all of the feelings, letting himself run on autopilot as his nails dig into the skin of Gaku's jaw, as he lets himself drown in him in thoughts that maybe he'll fix this.

...It's his fault, anyway, that it's broken, right - ]

[he can tell that Tenn is desperate from the way he moves, grabbing at his chin gracelessly, so different from how Tenn usually moves. Gaku understands it, knows he's part of the reason Tenn's searching so frantically for something to cling onto, and he's not going to stop him.

his own movements, however, are much more muted. he reaches his other hand out to circle Tenn's waste again, not pulling him back into the bed, but giving him a comforting weight if he chooses to do so. Gaku swallows all of Tenn's blind kisses with a kind of measured ease, slower and careful, not pressing him to go further or faster than he wants, reminding Tenn that he'll be there however he might want him.]

[ And -- Just as quickly as he started kissing Gaku with fire and with hunger, he stops. He pulls away from him -- but, not far enough that he breaks his touch. ...He doesn't think he could ever admit it out loud, but the way that he and Ryuu soothe him with gentle and loving physical contact whenever he has something that could even resemble 'a moment' is something that he wouldn't trade for anything.

He hesitates for a moment --- just for a moment, before he moves in, resting his forehead against Gaku's chest. ]

[this is much more familiar to Gaku, the quiet neediness that overcomes Tenn whenever he does anything to make himself vulnerable in a conversation. he doesn't hesitate this time to pull Tenn back on top of him, ruffling his hair affectionately as he pulls him close. Tenn's actions speak much louder than his words in times like these, and while Gaku won't ever admit it, he's become pretty weak to Tenn's wide-eyed expressions of neediness.]

[ The comfort is appreciated and he lets himself be pulled close, waiting a fraction of a moment before relaxing into Gaku. ...He doesn't know what to say, here, staying quiet for what feels like an endless amount of time before finally speaking. ]

...Say something.

[ well. before requesting that gaku speak for him. ]

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